It’s another episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, where the drama flies so fast and furious that we have to go one-on-one while covering the ladies of dysfunctional suburbia. Here’s what each of them endured (or had us enduring) this week…
Caroline’s daughter, Lauren, calls herself “a grown-ass woman,” but her father reminds her that she is a grown-ass woman mooching off of her parents. Caroline’s sister, Fran, is also living in Caroline’s house and is considerate enough of a houseguest to take in a three-legged foster dog. Caroline tells her husband that she’s asking Teresa to meet with her to talk about Teresa’s brother’s concerns. Caroline makes a half-hearted attempt at acting like she is not totally excited about getting into the middle of this, but even Fran’s three-legged dog isn’t buying it.
Teresa is in the kitchen mushing gruel around in a pan (with her cookbook prominently placed on the counter) while her kids yell at each other. She tells them to sit down, shut up, and make cards for either Nono, or Hobo. Whichever, I’m sure he’ll love the sentiment.
Caroline’s text arrives, and Teresa asks Kim for advice about meeting with Caroline (while wearing a bedazzled trucker hat that is probably meant to drown out the voices). When Teresa gets home, she tells her husband, Joe, that Caroline wants to meet with her to tawk about everything. Joe tells Teresa to demand an apology and leave if she doesn’t get one, so I’m guessing it is going to be a very short meeting.
Jacqueline is doing a video blog for Parenting Magazine which…holy hell, really? She is offering parenting advice? I mean good for her telling the story about how she realized her kid had autistm, but really, perhaps the family that has the cameras in their faces twenty-four-seven is not the family others’ should turn to for insight. But what do I know, I have a cat.
Meanwhile, Melissa’s husband is talking to Jacqueline’s husband about Viagra. Pass the brain bleach! He invites everybody over for dinner. When they arrive, the boys plus Rosie go off to play poker. The men have lots of questions for Rosie. Is she a boobs or ass girl? Boobs. Has she ever been with a man? No. Men. Always so flummoxed that a woman wouldn’t want to have anything to do with their manliness.
Aw, that’s sweet. Jacqueline’s husband taught her son to say, “I love you,” which gives Jacqueline hope that he is capable of so much more. And I’m not even going to get into how the parroted words were bribed with a lollipop, because it doesn’t even matter. It was sweet.
Kathy and her husband, Rich, try to teach their idiot son, Joseph, how to drive. It’s scary. Real scary. The kid is a moron and ought to come with a warning label not to operate heavy machinery. They then pick up their daughter, Victoria, from Caldwell College, a school for nuns, nunnery, and possibly nunsense. Ooh. I actually know a professor at Caldwell College. Lucky for Victoria he is too ethical to dish the dirt.
Melissa gets a visitor. It’s Jerry, a real estate agent who has been trying to unload their McMansion for the past six months, but nobody wants a house with a coating of gold paint and desperation. Why is Melissa selling this palace? Because she doesn’t want her kids going to school with Teresa’s kids. Yeah. Because but for Teresa’s kids, Melissa’s kids would be Nobel Peace Prize winners.
Jerry hosts an open house for potential buyers, and for some reason Melissa thinks it’s a good idea to have kids running around the house while the buyers are touring the property. Oh, ha! A sink handle in the master bathroom falls off in the buyer’s hands, and there’s a massive crack in the vanity that reveals it’s wood with a faux marble coating. Well what do you expect for $3.8 million? A real marble vanity? What do you think this is, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?
The Big Showdown Between Teresa And Caroline
Teresa begins by telling Caroline how good she looks, and she does look good, for Caroline. Teresa doesn’t like Caroline getting in the middle, especially (or, rather, “expecially”) since Caroline has yet to mend fences with her own sister, Dina. She notes that “it’s like the Italians say, ‘when the third person comes in, it causes more problems.’” The Italians were probably talking about the bedroom, but whatever. Caroline then shoots back something about Kim D., and wants to know how Teresa can call her a friend. Then there’s something about Jacqueline being “a true and loyal friend,” and Teresa being a different person, and I’m lost. The purpose of this meeting is a little unclear. But wait! A breakthrough! If Melissa admits that she was “a f***ing bitch,” then Teresa will admit that she was “a f***ing bitch.” So…progress?
Next week: That moron of a kid takes his father’s (probably rented) Ferrari out for a spin, and Melissa and Teresa have a meeting of the minds, minus the minds.
[Linda Sue Strong is the founder of entertainment blog TerribleTelevision.com and an occasional attorney. Her life has not yet been turned into a reality television show. Follow her at @themisslinda.]