Beyonce Loses Baby Weight; Isn’t “Naturally Thin”: Thanks, SHAPE!

beyonce shape magazine cover s

Beyonce is all over the news today, but that’s mostly because of her bizarre new single called “Bow Down.” That’s as in “Bow down, you bitches,”–meaning you and anyone else who isn’t Beyonce. Frankly, we feel that’s kind of unkind to the sisterhood. We’re also not feeling too good about Shape magazine and their pretty giddy cover story on the pop star. The cover of the April Shape assures us that her interview will teach us “How She Got Her Powerful Post-Baby Body.” The answer is not, “Have millions of dollars and a personal trainer.”

As usual, Beyonce remembers to say all the right things to seem like she isn’t putting body issues on us. For example, the naturally curvy gal wants us all to know that, “Not everyone is supposed to be the same. Be healthy and take care of yourself, but be happy with the beautiful things that make you, you.” That’s inspiring.

She also adds the kind of usual common-sense dieting tips that come from a woman who doesn’t really talk to her personal chef:  “I ate a very low-calorie diet. I stayed away from red meat and ate a lot of fish, replaced pasta and rice with quinoa.” (That’s a crunchy grain.) Of course, we can’t blame Beyonce for not talking to her personal chef. Jay-Z once sued a former one for over a million dollars. Why make things awkward later?

So, what else? Oh, yeah. Beyonce also lost a lot of weight right after she gave birth because she had a show to do in three months. We didn’t have time to prepare a show for the first three months after we gave birth. Of course, we’d hate to appear petty and jealous just because we’re talking about someone whose new single has lyrics like these:

I know when you were little girls
You grabbed a bee-ing in my world
Don’t forget it, don’t forget it
Respect that–bow down, bitches

Well, it’s not like Shape magazine doesn’t have a readership full of millionaire performing artists who schedule their pregnancy around days spent doing cardio work disguised as dance rehearsals. We’re just glad that the 31-year-old diva managed to lose 57 pounds after her pregnancy. We’d hate for something to happen that would effect her self-esteem.